Just Me

Sun, 29 Nov 2009 17:44:21 GMT

Finally my brain is working again. I don't know if I'll be able to make enough progress on the programming project, though. But at least I can do it again, even if time is a problem now. I will do my best. Or something close to it. :)

I have that, and a paper to write. I really want to enjoy some time off. That will come soon. This long weekend was not much fun for me. But soon soon soon I will have vacation time.

I swear, exercising makes me fat.

I hope my meds are ready. I would really like to see if they help or not.

I wish I knew if people would hate knitted presents. I guess my aunt really wants a food processor. Can I afford that and equivalent gifts for everybody? Even if I can afford it, should I really spend that much? I never know what is intelligent.

Thu, 26 Nov 2009 23:28:11 GMT

My family has never acted like they like me much. I forgot my vows of long ago (yesterday) and actually cared about it today when I was with them. I would like to claim I'm over it now, but that's probably a lie.

Oh well.
On to that programming project.

Though nobody anywhere finds me interesting, that doesn't mean I'm not, does it? Yeah, it probably does.

I think, however, they bore me, too. I hope that I am all done trying. Whenever I get me that Zoloft, that should help me to stop caring. Rude people. My family. Blah.

Thu, 26 Nov 2009 07:55:48 GMT

I always react more than I act. I find myself unable to answer questions about myself - seemingly simple questions - without stopping to think about my answer. And I never know how to answer. I feel I know myself quite well. I'm always trying to fix things. I wonder if I can just let it be.
I bought a lot of new clothes recently and they are making me happy because I am finally comfortable again. Now I just have to figure out how my hair would agree to be done nowadays. Everything I try lately looks terrible.
Occasionally, I try to start wearing makeup. I usually don't stay interested beyond 2 days.
I'm going back on Zoloft. Yup. I wonder what impact that will have. I am also subscribed a med for add but it needs to be prior-authorized and that takes about 3 years.

I have become more cynical. I have been feeling lonely. I have been worrying about the wrong things. I keep forgetting myself. Which reminds me, I'd better go take an iron pill. I have to take those yucky things to give myself a better chance at being myself.

I am trying not to be so reserved for my own benefit. Hardly anybody will truly like me no matter what so I needn't spend so much energy trying as hard as I do. I get the logic. I feel as though I've always gotten the logic. But those feelings come anyways. They are unaffected by logic. :( Frustrating. I keep reminding myself and I keep forgetting. Maybe I need to consider some sort of reminder. But what? I would say this will require thought but chances are I won't bother thinking further.

I am fortunate to have Antonio. I just hope I get well quicker so I can do more for him. I'm so useless right now.

Fri, 20 Nov 2009 01:19:24 GMT

Surprise anemia again.
Trouble thinking.
Head hurts.
Messy life lately.
I finally caved and bought new clothes.

Wed, 11 Nov 2009 02:43:07 GMT

While I was anemic, I took up knitting. I was found on facebook. I never really intended to be on facebook, but I had joined years ago, thinking that silly email really was a personal request of a friend to join. That friend closed the account and there I was, all alone with one other friend I never spoke to (she dropped me later).
I was exhausted for so so long. It became a habit, almost. I have major anxiety and I want to go back to Zoloft. When the doc prescribed it, though, I lost the prescription and my other meds and the anemia had me so confused...
anyways, I hope to return to Zoloft but I've been such a maniac this past year I'm afraid she'll think I shouldn't. :( We tried Xanax this past time, just when I feel I need it, but it makes me sleepy and not as reserved as I like to be.

Facebook is rather dull, but LiveJournal just seems so out of the way nowadays. I don't know why. Probably because I come up with impressions like that just to make my life harder. Part of me hates the rest of me and causes me lots of problems. Or something.

See, I can't babble like that on facebook because the people on there are people I tried very hard never to let really know me and if I let them know me now - all that hard work gone!!
Or something.
I can't be bothered right now to really understand what my problems are. :) Maybe tomorrow.

Fri, 03 Jul 2009 05:50:06 GMT

I don't know.
Sometimes there are people who make me really want to try and be good at this social stuff. They are good folks. I just can't keep it up. It is making me very very anxious.
I miss Jordan. He is away.
I am too pudgy for my clothes. I guess we can only blame the Seasonique because I quit the other suspects and I don't think iron will cause it. I would quit Seasonique also, but I don't want the bleeding to knock me exhausted again. I might do it anyways. I'm kind of bored.

Fri, 21 Nov 2008 03:35:55 GMT

I feel very strange. Things that were bothering me so much now simply don't. Dangit. After I spent all that time on them, too? I wish I could be sure they won't matter again, but there is just no knowing such things.

I see all these stickers and magnets with all these messages, and not one that says something like "Don't Drive Stupid”　Ｉthink driving stupid is a widespread problem. What can be done?

I want Dutch Cocoa cookies. I can never find them. I read Archway went out of business, so perhaps that's why, but S&S makes some but they are never in stock when I go there. I will have to make some. I found a recipe. It is time to become independent, cookiewise. This weekend, perhaps.

I think I think I think I have a little more energy. My workout this evening was TOUGH! But good. My arms are sore. I wish there had been some abs. I need more abs workouts. gimme.

So much to do... How does anyone get anything done? Do I really spend so very much time daydreaming? I suppose I must. I'm such a slowpoke, too. I try, but right now I have so little to offer. I hope I get smarter when I have enough blood.

TEA! Yes, of course. I need tea. How silly of me to forget.

I feel terrible and great at the same time. So weird. Time to read.

Wed, 19 Nov 2008 20:55:13 GMT

Jordan is sick. He timed it well; he had a doc appointment today. Doc was very pleased with his weight; we are no longer concerned about his weight. He is going to call Children's Hosp for me to make an appointment for Jordan.

I got an Asus for my Birthday. I think it is good for what I intend to do with it. Good specs, better than I would have found.

Got myself a kindle with the Oprah coupon awhile back. By chance, I heard about the coupon the day it expired, did a bunch of research, and decided to just get it. I am pleased with it. Very pleased. I had my concerns about whether I would use it - most books I want are not available on it yet. There are many pros that are specific to me, though, so I don't regret it.

I've been various kinds of not well lately. I have hopes for better, of course, hopes that the iron will do the trick for the anemia.

So, new toys in my life and I took the day off to take care of Jordan. I am glad to not be working. It was getting a bit much for me. There is so much to be done, and so little I can do. I get tired. Back tomorrow, though. I will try not to think about it, as I just discovered that thinking about it is making me worry. I will worry tomorrow.

Exercise is going well, except I missed yesterday and the day before. I won't miss today, I promise.

Sat, 25 Oct 2008 02:47:16 GMT

I am sorry. I should have kept my mouth shut. Admiration of drivel provokes me, though.

So there's a good idea presented so badly. What to do? Like it on principle? I hate it for wasting the good idea. If you can't present it well, leave it for someone who can. Stop wasting my time, and the idea's potential.

Blech.

I'm so sour. Haha.

I am moving on. I realize I have been stagnant in some ways. Shame on me.

I will try to keep my mouth shut. It wasn't nice to say what I said. I'm not a nice person. I have dry feet, though, so perhaps I deserve some sympathy?

Thu, 23 Oct 2008 01:05:51 GMT

Hi.

I cut my own hair lately. I look like it, too.

Busy is the way it has been, is, and will be.

Jordan is being kind of bratty lately. I hope it's a soon-to-end phase.

Work is good. Sometimes I am stressed, but I am mostly enjoying. I am happy there. I am going to the free exercise classes during lunch and I work out at home on the days I don't go during work. I've only exercised 9 times total, but I feel much better already.

I just got blood test results and it looks like I am anemic. This is not a big surprise, though I wonder it wasn't caught before. I have been more dizzy than ever lately, so it will be good if that can be ameliorated.

I have learned so much at my job this past year. Not stuff I would have chosen to learn, but my mind is often kept engaged, so I am content.

In January, I will start a Systems Engineering program offered through work and WPI. The courses are all paid for by work, the courses take place right across the street from the building in which I work, and after I earn a certificate in Systems Engineering, I can go on to get a Master's degree through WPI. And the recruiter said she has seen some companies extend the program through the Masters completion, when the certificate program was successful. So, I have hope.

Jordan is doing well academically. His behavior needs some work, though!! We went to a party last week, and I talked with some other moms, one of whom would like to do playdates. So, I have to call her soon and arrange that. It looks like we're going away this weekend, so perhaps next Saturday. Through school, he is going to take swimming lessons. It will take up a lot of time from the school day, but I think it will be good for his muscles, which are still weak, though stronger. He has been jumping and climbing a lot around the house, which I love to see, though I am afraid he will hurt himself someday.

Still seeing Antonio. Not much else to say there.

Time to read to Jordan.